When I was a kid, my mom was the woman who always had answers. Granted, they weren't always right but mama was never at a loss for words.
fast forward about 18 years.
I'm currently newlywed and pregnant with my first child, as a young couple me and my husband didn't get off to an easy start in life together so we're living with my parents until things straighten out.
These past few years my parents had been becoming severely, and I do mean severely, active in a church not far from our new house. I'm not knocking it, I'm a believer myself, however its not what they did when they joined, or how they changed... it's what changed in my mother.
What used to be a surefire way to find comfort and peace; talking to mom soon became moment after moment of turbulent disappointment. These day's all her repsponses ring with one common theme, "It's in Gods hands." No matter what worry or concern I confide in her with, it's that same damn reply every time.
"It's in the Lords hands"
"Leave it to God."
"Just put it at his feet."
"If you believed, you wouldn't feel that way."
Oh that last one always hits me square in the morals. "If you believed..." Ouch. Leave it to mom to doubt my faith. Also leave it to mom to have been the one to shake it. Over time I grew further away from my mother AND God because of a natural fear of rejection and disappointment.
Last time I checked, religion was not a valid substitute for parenting. I may be an adult now but since when did mothering have an expiration date? Instead of offering the much wanted comfort and advice, delivered in that soothing tone only a mother could use effectivly... It's always the cop out.
"Leave it to God."
Ok great, yes I shall pray about it...but did he not put you here to comfort me in his absence? Were you not chosen to birth me and raise me by his holiness himself? So why now, since I am older, do you pawn me off on him like your job is complete? Even God has people in place for believers when they have religious concerns. They're called pastors.
This new answer to every worry I present her has handicapped my faith as well. I now cringe when people begin discussing God. I've stopped going to church. I feel uncomfortable around my friends from the congregation. I used to be on fire for God, now it's a chore just smiling for people when they bring him up in conversation. I have associated God with this crippling disappointment I feel whenever my mother brushes me off.
Call me a blasphemer, but I have little to no faith left.
But can you blame me? When my mother walks in and sees me in tears, anxious over the fact that I'm pregnant and I'm learning all sorts of things that could go wrong, I expect her to comfort me. No. Her first reaction? Yup. you guessed it.
"Give it to God."
Sorry mom, but last time I checked you were my mother, not God's operator.
How may I direct your call...?
Nevermind.
~A.T.
